Day 16 – Silent Killer

silent killer


UK Deaths: 1,789

UK Cases: 25,150

Worldwide Deaths: 40,633

Worldwide Cases: 823,200

Silent Killer

We’ve officially finished ‘Household Isolation’! However, the ‘geek’ and I have still not left the house as we are vulnerable.  I did manage to walk up the lane to fetch the bin this afternoon, that was an achievement. More and more I find myself staring out of the window, looking at the silent killer.  Windows seem more like a shield from the outside these days.  Instead of the beautiful frame for nature that they used to be.

I worry about my mental health if I’m honest.  I’m not sure it can make it through this.  However, one thing I have noticed is my ability to voice my concerns now.  Furthermore, I am able to own my feelings and adjust each day to them.


So one thing I do find useful for me is to write down the things that are making me anxious and upset.

  • Coronavirus
  • Death
  • Home Schooling
  • Video Conferencing

Coronavirus & Death

Two things I have absolutely no control over!  Therefore essentially I cannot do anything about them.  It does not stop me from feeling anxious about the silent killer though.  And don’t get me wrong, the ‘death’ part is not selfishly about me dying.  It’s about friends and family that I love, losing their lives, or losing their loved ones.  It’s about tens (possibly hundreds) of thousands of people losing their lives across the world.

Now I know that for most anxiety sufferers, staying away from social media, TV etc. is usually the best advice.  However, that’s kinda my thing.  I need facts, I need to know how things work, and I need truths.  So BBC News is my friend and social media, my in-house comedian.

Home Schooling

Good god almightly this is already doing my pip in.  I know that teachers had little or no notice to set work, but we are two weeks in (actually this was happening way before lockdown) and some teachers still can’t seem to attach the right answers to the questions.  Or set out a pdf/ppt that actually configures right for printing and therefore half of is missing.  However that aside, I have managed to be much more realistic this week.  My kids start their school day when they wake, with mine that is anytime from 8 am to about 3 pm LOL.  I set them the work that has been set by the school, sometimes they finish much quicker, and sometimes they take longer.  It’s a ‘hard push’ at times, but no longer a battle.  If I figure they aren’t going to be productive then I don’t push, there is no point.  I leave for a day when they are in a better frame of mind.

Video Conferencing

This is a gift from the devil!!!  Seriously Zoom, Skype, Teams etc. all need to be put in a room and isolated for a very long time!  One of my biggest anxiety triggers is the phone, I struggle to answer it, and I used to even struggle to pick up to phone others.  You know that sketch where someone is phoning a date and picks up, dials and hangs up; pick up, dials and hangs up…  Well, that was me for every single call I would ever have to make.  Deep-seated back to the days when I was bullied, I have an uncontrollable (and unfounded) fear of people making fun of me when I’m on the phone.

Face your Fears!

Now you’d think that because video conferencing meant I could see the people I’m talking to then it would be easier, but no.  Several fears come in here.  Yes, I can see you, but you can see me, and I can see me, and depending on numbers, loads of bloody people can see me!  Also what if I press the wrong button, what if the microphone is on when it shouldn’t be, or the camera isn’t on when it should be?  The possibilities are endless…

So anyway, whilst everyone else is embracing video conferencing, washing their hair for their work Zoom meeting, or playing Pictionary on House Party with a gin in hand.  Personally, I will be working my way up to just taking part.

I tried a Zoom meeting earlier this week and pretty much froze.  Lasted about 10 mins and then all my effort had been used and I could do no more but sit silently blaming my WiFi.  I downloaded House Party, we won’t even go into what happened there, suffice to say that 30 secs affected the rest of my day!

In my head, my grandchildren will read these diaries and re-live history through family members’ eyes.  Helping them get an A in History as they write about the ‘Silent Killer’.

In reality, it’s the ramblings of their mad mother who can’t spell, so somehow I doubt it!

Stay safe,

Fay x

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The Lockdown Diaries


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Leave a Comment

  • Hoppy says:

    Fay you are a brilliant and lovely person…everyone on those calls has fears and anxieties… are blessed that you can recognise and vocalise yours. I find breathing exercises work a treat…….on a practical note I use headphones which help with my concentration and block out other noise. Good luck and I am sending as much positivity as you can handle xx

    • Fay Stephenson says:

      Thank you for your kind words! Headphones are a really good idea actually, will have to try that. Stay safe, lots of love x

  • David Larter says:

    Lovely and fun words Fay. Stay Strong and Stay Safe xx

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